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come alive "don't ask what the world needs. ask what makes you come alive. then go do that. because what the world needs is people who have come alive." skip to content blog aliveness coaching contact testimonials resources bio search for: the walls we build posted on december 27, 2017 by kermit d onald trump is not the only one these days calling on us to “ build a wall “ — he is merely reflecting a deep current in our culture. every child learns the fable of the three little pigs . “i’ll huff and i’ll puff and i’ll blow your house down” says the big bad wolf . the message is imprinted onto our collective psyche. the world out there is dangerous, and the stronger the walls we build to separate ourselves from it, the less likely we are to end up as meat. stronger walls keep us safe. but, do they? i don’t know anyone who has been eaten by wolves, but a lot of people nowadays experience an abiding sense of isolation. most marriages end in divorce. most of us would like to have deeper, more satisfying relationships with our partners, our friends, or our family members. loneliness and alienation are the big bad wolves of modern life. our nervous system and cultural roots evolved at a time when being eaten by gnarly beasts was an actual thing. the same instincts that kept our ancestors alive can now trigger fears that have nothing to do with our physical safety — fears of otherness , judgement , or change . wall-building remains our default solution in common social situations. when an acquaintance or loved one says or does something insensitive, we are practiced at withdrawing or putting up a protective facade. when we are sad, it is considered normal to stay safely ensconced at home, rather risk being a wet blanket at the party. as the american dream has brought about an increase in home ownership, it has also increased the distance of extended family and neighbors. examples of the excesses of our wall-building culture abound: economic and racial segregation, xenophobia, warfare, internalized repression, a polarized electorate. good boundarie s are essential, but they are useless unless there is something to connect with on the other sid e that brings us alive. sometimes, when we think we are building walls in response to our f ears, our fears may be in response to the walls we build, and the isolation they bring. building more walls in response to these fears is like throwing gasoline on the fire of our discontent, thinking it will put out the flames. the ability to bridge walls through vulnerability has been popularized, recently, by brené brown and others, because our cultural bias against it leads to impoverished relationships. “in our culture, we as sociate vulnerability with emotions we want to avo i d such as fear, shame, and uncertainty. yet we too often lose sight of the fact that vulnerability is also the birthplace of joy, belonging, creativity, authenticity, and love.” - dr. brené brown we often default to building walls, when what is needed is the courage to take them down. it is so hard to admit to a loved one that our anger is just the fear of losing them. it can be hard to be the first one to say “ i’m sorry ”, or at times, “i love you.” “i’m fine” is our standard-issue armor. our ancestors lived in close proximity with nature, with all its mysterious dangers and ephemeral beauty. the forest was teacher, shelter, source of food, medicine, and inspiration. on an evolutionary scale, the world of four walls, into which we were born, is an invention of our recent past, and the true cost of separation lies somewhere in our ancestral memory. “when the industrial revolution came, there were 20 years when basically everyone in manchester, england, was an alcoholic. instead of having like coffee carts, they had gin carts that went up and down the streets. because it was so hard to shift from being a farmer to sitting in a dark room for 12 hours every day doing what you were told. but we evolved, we culturally evolved to be able to handle a new world order.” - seth godin we are living amidst a massive transition in our relationship with nature. we are now the wolf, and the fragile ecosystems on which we depend are now the little pigs. the cost of not waking up to this reversal of fortunes is to deny our birthright of belonging in a world of incalculable beauty and diversity, and to impoverish our children by passing on a more barren planet. “our bodies have formed themselves in delicate reciprocity with the manifold textures, sounds, and shapes of an animate earth – our eyes have evolved in subtle interaction with other eyes, as our ears are attuned by their very structure to the howling of wolves and the honking of geese. to shut ourselves off from these other voices, to continue by our lifestyles to condemn these other sensibilities to the oblivion of extinction, is to rob our own senses of their integrity, and to rob our minds of their coherence.” - david abram the absurdity of building a wall along our southern border is a good reminder to recognize where we build walls in our own lives, acknowledge their cost, and examine the fears they represent. recapturing our innate sense of interconnectedness, learning to offer and receive invitations to our greater belonging, and creating opportunities for vulnerability and intimacy are essential for our collective and individual well-being. references researchers confront an epidemic of loneliness how to have a relationship with a wild animal brené brown – embracing vulnerability shinrin yoku – forest bathing posted in uncategorized | 1 comment the rhythm of life posted on may 12, 2015 by kermit l iving in the city, with its artificial lights and creature comforts, it is easy to forget that we live in a world run by cycles (especially for men, who do not come with monthly reminders of a bodily rhythm). attuning to each cycle in the rhythm of our lives is access to a fundamental power. in the timeless words of ecclesiastes, t o everything there is a season. spring-summer-fall-winter. our days have a rhythm. the potential and the possibility that marks the outset of each new day is followed the business of our workday, where we give our creative energy to the world, then a winding down and return to the place that nourishes us at end of day — perhaps, then, another cycle for our evening: a change of clothes, a celebration, farewells — and finally, we return to our regenerative dream state. this cyclical pattern is repeated in our week, our breath, the the arc of our lives, projects, stars, civilizations, … we celebrate stages of the cycle that feel like springtime and summer: optimistic beginnings, a rewarding sense of accomplishment, the stability and comfort we have earned. the rhythm of life asks us to cherish these times, but not to inflate or cling to them. our culture could benefit from more rituals in support of our passage into the inevitable fall and winter stages. all things-as-they-are come to an end. we all need time to regenerate before starting again, and oftentimes, a little support in doing so. when we face the down-cycle, it can seem like something to resist. the ending of a phase of a relationship, hitting a roadblock and going to “ plan b ,” the frustrating dead-ends that can come with artistic risk. so, we hold onto states to which we have become accustomed – until something breaks. we resist the natural rhythms that are here to guide and nourish us, which can lead to more volatility when the inexorable down-cycle comes. in the winter of listening , poet david whyte heralds : somewhere in this cold night of wind and stars the first whispered opening of those hidden and invisible springs that uncoil in the still summer air each yet to be imagined rose. the fall and winter of each cycle is a time to regather our power. it is a time of letting go, of listening, of rest, of regeneration, of newly imagined possibilities. it is a time to call in the support of friends and loved ones, to a

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